Its great to be back at Tufts. I really miss this place,..well, I miss the people and the familiarity of this place. Im so comfortable here,..like Im in my element or something but as Muz pointed out, it definitely feels different. Not having a definitive place to call home and not really here for a set purpose (althou I have been running around like crazy to settle umbar and her new roomie, Michelle, in). Thank God things worked out with Umbar and the whole roomie situation. I was worried she was going to be stuck living with that horrible lil Farihah girl. God is definitely looking out for her, and we told her that she should recognize that and thank God.

The 185 Girls, Rakhi and Rekha are letting me stay here. Honestly, they are so amazing. They gave me a fully furnished room, computer and keys to the place so I come and go as I pllz,..what else can anyone ask for?

Met Usmans parents, Maria and Hassan for the first time on Sunday night. Had met Suliman before. Mashallah, he has an amazing family, including his sister. I told Suli his father reminds me of a wise man sitting there telling stories to all his grandchildren and all of us eagerly listening. Diahs father and my father are a lot like that as well. Both his mom and dad are adorable, and Hassan, that lil boy is too cute, and he loves me :: sigh ::

Saw Shrek 2 with Muz, Umbie and Michelle yesterday. Funny movie. Also went bowling with D n D, Nik, Muz, Suli, Usman, Amir, Shaq, and Zaid. It was a lot of fun and after Usman beating Muz in the first round by a slim margin, Muz destroyed everyone on the next game.

Its really so great seeing people here. I really miss everyone. Im leaving in 2 days and I dont have any intention or opportunity to come back for the rest of the summer and into the school year for a few months,..2 more days. How should I make it last?

Intimidated? I didnt realize I was so transparent,..

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:02 AM

What should I do about this situation? The question has been on my mind for the past 48 hrs straight,...there are reasons supporting both sides but something is holding me back,..Im not excited nor am I looking foreward to going because I know that I dont really belong there nemore,...Kat said the first few weeks were the hardest,..accepting the fact that we are not going back. I have yet to have had the time to think along those lines bc I was off to PK b4 I knew it,..now that Im back and left alone with my own thoughts, so many things are running thru my head and im starting to get depressed. I wonder if I go this weekend for a few days, while everyone else is so involved in their own stuff there, will I start to feel really lonely and bored.

Im getting maddd depressed about the uncertainty of so many things in my life. I also feel that something isnt right and I really want to help (if possible) but I am not given that opportunity,...I respect peoples desires to keep their own ish to themselves but I feel that due to the terms of this particular relationship, honesty and trust are so important. Why do I feel it necessary and appropriate to untie knots and expose secrets relating to me and my family, and why I am encouraged to do so,..but the reverse seems almost forbidden. I dont care to know, thats not the issue,..the issue is that I want to be there in any way I can.

I have been having the worst headaches and my eyes still wont open properly when I wake up in the morning,..Parents are concerned so I am going to have this stuff checked out next week. On top of that, I cant sleep because Im thinking about too many things and Im just not comfortable in bed.

I have felt no connection at all since I got back,..keep getting cut off before there is a chance to really say anything or open up lines. And when I try, Im feel like Im sitting at the stand, being asked to explain what I dont really understand myself. And the response? A stranger. =*(

I hate not knowing,...I wish I just knew so I could mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the next 4 yrs,..I start med. school in a month but I dont even know where exactly.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:28 AM

Back in the US. The Flight was actually on time, to the minute (very Atypical for PIA),.however my mom, sister and I first had to go to Karachi, stay there for about 5 hrs till 4 am and then flew to Manchester then finally JFK. No hassle AT ALL at JFK, not even for non-US citizens.

Glad to be back thou my time in PK was too short,..before I knew it I was packing to come home,..I love my trips to PK. Its nice to get in touch with my roots. PK is soo different from the US. Socially, politically, economically,..in almost every way. I am really impressed with the advances that are being made there but as I see it, people there fall into 1 of 2 categories,..extremely poor or wealthy. Another thing I have noticed time and time again is the power struggle that exists in PK and how money is such a crucial element to defining the terms of this heirarchy.

Im really glad my family had such a great time. Everything went soo smoothly, alhumdulillah. While there were a few little complications here and there, Allah Ka Shukr it wasnt anything that a few family discussions couldnt fix. There is a lot to learn from Pakistan born and raised individuals. Their mentality, understanding, and behavior is very different from those of Pakistani Americans. I feel that both parties can learn a lot from eachother. I love how the concept of family closeness is soo important in Asian families. That is something that is strongly lacking in the US. But I also like how in the US, you earn what you work for. For example, Omar was telling me how whenever he gets pulled over by the cops, he whips out his army physician ID and they salute him and walk away. I could go on and on about the similarities and differences that exist,..the main point is is that it is very important to be AWARE of these aspects of both environments.

I missed my friend so it was nice to do a lil catching up when I got back. Im sensing something isnt right, from my conversations with several individuals but its not my place nor my right so I will be here to listen whenever someone wants to be heard.

I have maddd respect for HER. She is such a nice individual mashallah and I see so much of myself in her. I wish I wouldve gotten a chance to spend some time with her in PK but due to circumstances we werent able to meet up. However, I am really glad we got to talk. She is SUCH an easy person to talk to and her advice and comments are really genuine and sincere. I pray for her happiness.

There is sooo much unpacking to be done,..from Tufts and from PK but right now my body is sooo sore and I have the worst toothache. My sister is passed out in her robe infront of the tv, my mom is passing out in the living room, surrounded by all the suitcases in her attempt to unpack and Im sitting at the computer zoning out.

Im going to miss PK and my family there so much. Im so fortunate to have such an amazing family. Pictures to be posted shortly.

Our dvd/music collection is sick,...yay cuz I LOVE movies. =)

sidenote: The best looking guy I saw during my trip to PK this time asked me for my number. Saliha was like,..give it to him, hes hot! Besides him, not impressed with anyone in PK but wasnt really interested in looking to begin with. Umbar and Saliha think we got jipped,..lol.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 7:02 PM

Last night was the Baraat. Biya is officially married as Rabeya Javed Aftab. Im so happy for them and they are so genuinely happy and inlove. I was forced to sit with her (by her and momani) because she doesn’t have a sister and she and I are very close. It was annoying being on stage infront of those intense bright lights having everyone and their mother take pictures of you but if it made her more comfortable that I was there then I don’t mind.

Im going to miss her not being in nanas house anymore. Fortunately, Aftabs family only lives right behind Liberty Market in this new, beautiful house. Rabeya says she is ready to live in a joint family system but a lot of people have been telling her to avoid it if possible. She ALREADY hates her bhabi (who also lives in that house) and Biya just got married last nite! 3 women and their husbands under one roof, inshallah I pray things work out and the dynamic remains healthy.

Joint family systems. Ive seen it go back ways. Sometimes it is really successful and the mother and daugher in law have a great relationship and make decisions together. Other times there is constant tension, arguing, backbiting and animosity that exists. Its very unforunate when that happens because then one then wonders it could have all been avoided had the son and his wife not lived in the same house. Ive actually seen cases where the son is forced to chose between his mother and wife,…not pretty.

I hope inshallah that I have a great relationship with my mother in law. I don’t see why I wouldn’t. I think that living in the states has given me a different prospective on things. I am a lot more independent so it wont be as if I will be turning to my own mother when there is a problem (which often also causes problems, when the inlaws get inloved). Rather, I really think I would try to work to improve the dynamic and be compromising if I felt that it would prevent tension amongst the members in the house.

During this trip, more than any other, I have seen things that had not witnessed before. With the wedding, stress level was very high and people said and did things that surprised me. In addition, I learned of some issues that existed between some of our extended family members. But Im glad I am able to experience things as they really are rather than as people want you to THINK they are. Drama like what.

My father has really enjoyed his trip to PK. He wants to come back again within the next few years. People here have treated him with the utmost respect. He was even asked to be the primary witness during the Nikka. It really makes me feel good to see my father so happy and comfortable and respected. He is, mashallah, an amazing human being. Rabeya had never met my father and she said that she was so touched that he came for her wedding and that she hopes that Aftab becomes a husband like my father is because she has never met such a sweet, sincere man. =)

On average, there are 3-4 blackouts a day. It gets sooo unbelievably hot when the lights go out and the fans and a/c turn off. Like a sauna.

Bilal got robbed at gunpoint a few months ago. He said that it was during the daytime and people just drove by and didn’t even stop to help. That definitely wouldn’t have been the case had it been in the US. Also, he and omar got into a very serious car accident that almost took their life. Allah Ka Shukr they survived.

Everytime I come to Pakistan, there are a lot of changes and advances that I see. There are quite a few new buildings and improvements of facilities. Also, they get 100+ channels here, including HBO, MTV, all the sports channels,etc,..and nothing NOTHING is censored,..that definitely was not the case a few years ago.

I am really glad my family and I were here to experience the wedding. Being directly a part of a wedding has taught me a lot about how tradition works here in PK, the problems the arise and the joy that comes with it all.

I have been thinking a lot about things lately. How the situation stands, what next, and where the situation will go. Its really hard to say at this point. Steps are being taken, slowly and carefully. Im in no rush but I often wonder, what next? As situations change, it is so hard to say what the future holds, only time will tell. My plans for the future have settled down quite a bit. I was a lot more eager and ready to move on,..now im not so sure,……my heart and mind say one thing, but Im often torn on how to interpret it all,…am I expecting something that can never be? And if so, Im asking for it,….Im not afraid of risks and losing, but im afraid of stupidly trying when its obvious that its not what is meant to be, but I just cant see that now.

I don’t live my life with regrets. I honestly feel that I have learned from all my experiences and they have helped me to become a stronger, more defined individual. Yes, there are things which should have been avoided but I wont dwell on anything. Whats happened has happened. Its time to move on and start a new life,…the problem is what from my old life should I hold onto and what should I let go of?

Please Remember,…………

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:02 AM

Tonite was the Mehndi. It was beautifully done mashallah. Seeing Rabeya and Aftab on stage together, making it happen and overcoming some serious obstacles and ending up togehter made me so happy. They both told me that the feeling was utter ecstasy and that it was surreal. I want that soo much,..I want things to happen in my life that I am so genuinely and sincerely passionate about. Aftab and Biya both told me that if I ever meet someone who makes me so utterly happy and who I can see myself with (and visa versa) I should really fight for it and not give up, even if the goal seems unobtainable. Biya sed sometimes she felt like just giving up bc the situation was way too complicated and difficult but she had so much faith in her relationship that she kept at it, for 3 years and now the impossible has become a reality.

I almost felt like crying tonight when I looked at them and saw how happy they were. It really is so beautiful.

Been watching indian movies, soccer games and even cricket matches here late at night. We dont sleep till 7 am ish (right now its 530 am and I am wide awake and the others are eating food and playing carum and listening to remixes). Tonight is my cousins last nite in the house =*( it really is soo sad bc she wont be here anymore and I am very close to her.

I scolded Omair today. He has been saying and doing things that I am very upset about. He gets annoyed that knockers are around and thinks that they steal his things and washes his hands whenever one of them touches him to shake his hand or something. On top of that he has been showing off about his family posessions. I couldnt take it so tonight (like 3 hrs ago) I scolded him. He started crying and then I went to talk to him and we spoke for an hour. I really tried to make him understand things from an Islamic point of view. How Allah (Swt) wants people to treat eachother as equals and be humble and modest. At the end he gave me a hug and kiss and said thank you for talking to me. I felt bad about scolding him cuz Ive never scolded any child b4 but I think of his as my younger brother and we were all noticing his behavior and it was especially upsetting to me.

French twisted my hair today and got my Mehndi done. It looked pretty cool.

Dad spoke to his friend today. My dad told me he was impressed with how respectable and appropriate his friends communication was and that he was looking foreward to meeting up with his friend.

I miss certain people sooo much. Its really starting to sink in that I wont be going back to Boston,..I get really upset about it sometimes,..like right now,...........

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:23 PM

There is a dolki going on downstairs with some people singing, some dancing and others making complete fools out of themselves but it is all good =) They want me to sing for them,..maybe I will.

Had a nice chat with my abu on the terrace a few hours ago. He is mashallah such an amazing person with only my best intentions in mind. He genuinely understands where I am coming from and always takes the time to really hear me out.

Went out to chinese tonight cuz it was moms birthday,..there was some 30 people at dinner and we were a LOUD group but it was sooo nice being there with everyone.

Rabeya got the thing done this morning and literally forced me into getting it done as well. It hurt SO much but Im glad I did it,...refreshing :)

So many thoughts have been running thru my head since Ive been in PK,..Ive had a lot of time to really think about things and try to make sense of my life. Its weird how sometimes I am sooo one way about something while others I have a completely opposite position on the matter,..maybe I have a split personality

Muneer (one of the servants) has such a beautiful voice so mamoo made him sing for all of us,.very very impressive.

Been back and forth to Liberty and the other Durzees on average 4-5 times a day,..its exhausting especially when they take forever to do the kaam which they promised to have done ages ago,..but I am really proud of myself,..I took Umbar to the market today and did really good bargaining on my own,...I learnt pretty fast how to work the system in the market.

A lot of guys here are really Ajeeb,...they stare at u or try to touch ur hand or whisper something as you walk by but Im really used to it now bc Ive come to realize that Pakistani people LOVE LOVE LOVE to stare and I just have to accept it,..they dont do it to be rude, they just do it to do it.

Right now I can hear the dolak and the peacocks outside, smell tube roses, and feel the breeze from the open window.

Im not sure if I will be able to go to Boston as I had planned which I am really upset about. Hmmm,..inshallah things will work out.

Hope everything goes well tomorrow when my dad talks to him. Inshallah.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 6:08 PM

Today is the first day of the whole wedding procedure,..tonight is the Mio at Emerald Hall during which Mehndi and Upton will be applied and dances and dolak will occur. It should be interesting,..Pakistani weddings IN PK always seem more festive and exciting.

Went to Sajjad Mamoos house last nite with the whole crew,..MADDD drama,..seriously, it is so weird watching people interact a certain way. In America, you NEVER see family/friends interact in such a way. The thing is thou, one minute there is yelling and the next everyone is laughing over dinner (which btw was the best food Ive had since Ive been here). Mamoos house is in Defense and it is mashallah beautiful. If I ever live in PK, Id love a house similar to that bc it has this charm I have yet to see in other homes.

Omair is, althou still young, quite arrogant and haughty so I had a little chat with him last nite about respecting knockers and being humble about ones possessions. I hope it did something.

Usman slept with Faisal last night and apparently kept him up all night by kicking him, angling his body and then launching himself off Faisal so as to get all the blanket, literally rolling over Faisal multiple times and smacking him. Everyone was cracking up at breakfast when Faisal came to the table all drowsy. Tania momani told us how it is impossible to sleep with Usman because he attacks in his sleep so I offered to take him for the night. He slept with me last night, aram se, but he did wake up in the middle of the night and start crying/whimpering bc he didnt know where he was, so I pulled him into me and hushed him back to sleep in my arms. It was so cute =*)

Javed Mamoo got a Rot Whiler (??) attack dog for the house. Right now it is a pup so its fun to play with but wait until it grows up. They are training it to protect the house and God knows how vicious those dogs can get.

Its so nice hearing the sound of the peacocks from the back of the house and the 100 something kabootars mamoo has on the roof. There is something so comforting in those sounds.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 12:21 AM

Faisal came tonight,..everyone was so surprised bc no one knew he was coming,..me, ammi, and mamoo went to pick him up from Lahores new airport,..beautiful.

Main nay ag baal katwai or dye katwai. Abbi meray baal booth chotay =( I love the color thou. I asked the woman to cut 2 inche only layken she decided that I needed to get rid of all of the dead hair and so she cut 5 inches!!! Ugh. Kher,..what can I do about it abbi taak.

Glad Faisals here,...there is a lot I want to discuss with him and he has been so bz with med. school that I never get a chance too.

So, it looks like things arent going to work out quit as expected but Im hopeful that inshallah things will still work out well. Talked to mom about it briefly (its so hard to get alone time here) and she was rather reassuring.

Everyone is coming tomorrow so thats really exciting. I hope my outfits turn out well. Newayz, back to helping Rabi fix her dubata for the mehndi. Shaadis are soooo time consuming and stressful but a lot of fun =)

I learn something new about Lahore/Pakistan everyday. Along the same lines, I feel more comfortable each day Im here.

Socrman just Imed me,..he is such a nice, friendly guy,...I hope that inshallah Ill get to see him.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 4:02 PM

Sitting in my momanis with 4 of her 7 sisters as they and all their kids and my cousins and my mom are wrapping up Rabeyas clothing nicely for her move from this house to Aftabs parents house. My cousins are trying to learn dances and currently 'Its the time to Disco' remix from Kul Ho Na Ho' is playing really loudly. Its really fun being here with everyone like this, preparing for the Shaadi. Mom and I did some shopping in Liberty and I got such a beautiful sari made (soon to be made actually). My mom was surprised how easily I could navigate thru Lahore and how I could communicate with store people. Somehow it all comes back when I get here.

Im really looking foreword to the rest of my family coming. Itll be so nice having everyone here. Its been getting pretty hot but we avoid going out during peek hours which is good. Had a double cheeseburger last nite,.YUM! And I plan to hit up every fast food place while Im here including Zook, Freddys, Uno, Salt and Pepper,.etc,...=)

I miss my friends,..I felt that something was off with one of my friends and I got really worried so I actually called them from PK to make sure everything was fine in their life. I needed that reassurance to rest easy. It was nice hearing a familiar voice =)

I really hope this trip to Pakistan is productive. If there is a meeting initiated on that side, it would be great. Inshallah, when things settle down, itll happen and if not, then it wasnt meant to be. But I sincerely have faith that things will work out for the best. God does great things and can make the impossible happen,..I mean look at Rabeya and Aftab, NO ONE thought it would happen,...

My eyes are getting really red again due to the heat and dirt. I hope its only a VERY temporary thing.

Nik, D, Amir and Usman got what I sent. I was worried they wouldnt because I sent them so last minute.

So far no stomach problems,..lets hope for none.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 1:33 PM

In Pakistan!!! Yay =)

I love being here. It totally is a whole new world.

I am going to write short and quick b/c the power keeps going out (which is normal this time of year). Surprisingly, the weather is totally bearable but thats b/c there was a HORRIBLE DUST and Rain storm JUST as our plane was going to land. Literally, we were hovering over the Lahore Airport and the plane rerouted to Islamabad. We had to sit in the plane for 3 hours till it was safe to fly to Lahore. Then it took 2 hours to get our luggage. AND to top it all off, I fell on some womans spilled water at JFK in New York, threw the food from my hand and landed hard on the ground with the food all over me. It was horrible =(

But I am finally here and so glad to be. Its going to be an intense few weeks. Inshallah, everything will work out, with regards to multiple things in my life right now.

Lahore phone number: 5861588,...ask for Fauzia Mahmood (this is for a friend so dont anyone else go calling me in PK!) =)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 10:41 PM

So I'm leaving for the airport in a few hours. I Can't believe I'm going to Pakistan today. It hasn't really hit me. There are so many little things to take care of that I don't really have time to think about Tufts or Pakistan thou talking to I do miss people from Tufts and talking to them makes me miss them more. =(

I am actually really looking foreword to going. Something about being in Pakistan does wonders for me. It's literally like a whole new world that exists and when I am there I am totally encompassed in.

I am dreading the flights. PIA Zindabad,..OR NOT! Bleh. Well, whatever, it is totally worth it and it will give me time to bond w/ mom so that's chill. She and I watched Monster yesterday. Damn Charlize Theron looked freaky.

Saw Dr. Brodkin yesterday. Back on my full dose of accutane. Hope the PK weather doesn't affect the medication.

I wish I had a few more days in Jerzey but I'll have the next few years so it's all good.

I had a interesting convo. w/ my parents regarding certain issues in my life. I pray things work out the way I want them to but the situation is out of my hands and my parents really want me to sit back and allow things to happen the way they are typically supposed to. I'm just afraid that if I don't try to embrace every little opportunity that comes my way, they I will not obtain what is it that I want. However, I realize that after a certain point, I really need to leave the situation in the hands of God.

The ball is in your court,..take a shot b/c it might be the only one you will get.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 10:20 AM

FINALLY back in Jerzey,..really happy to be back but sad about leaving Tufts,..As I drove away I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss,...such great friends, and amazing memories,..I wonder if I will ever have as amazing experiences in Med. school.

The gang made me this beautiful, detailed memory book. I LOVE IT,..it captures so many great memories that I never want to forget. They must have worked really hard on it and I really appreciate the gesture.

We went to Cheesecake Factory for dessert,..D and I shared an amazing piece of cheesecake while everyone else (including D) ate Shaq's dessert :)

Went to Rene's for an early breakfast w/ my girls Nik and D. It was just like old time sakes,..I'm going to miss both of them sooo much. I adore them.

I like Amir and Usman's new place,..they had this kinda eh carpet so as my housewarming gift to them I replaced it with one to match the room.

FAISAL IS COMING TO PAKISTAN!!! My mom surprised us with the good news today. Faisal wanted to show up in Pakistan and surprise us in Pakistan but my mom can't keep a secret so soooo much for that.

I love my room here in Jerzey. It's so simple and elegant. I wonder if I will be spending the next 4 years living here. I hate uncertainty.

A friend said a kind of messed of thing to me today. I was surprised at his comment and when I asked for an explanation, he couldn't offer one. If you are going to say something, back it up.

I wish I could have said gbye to certain people yesterday but unfortunately I didn't have access to my car for the greater part of the day. That really sucked because I had a lot of things to do. Oh well,...it's all over now.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 9:04 PM

Last day in Boston. When I leave this time, everything will change. I will no longer belong here when (and if) I come back to visit, but rather I will be a guest. My ties and connection and emotional attachment to Boston/Tufts will change dramatically and I will be left with only the amazing memories that I have.

I couldn't hold it back last nite. The tears just came. I really tried to stop them but before I knew it, I could feel them rolling down my cheeks. I started to think about all the great times and about how strong my feelings were and my emotions just took over. I don't think I've ever felt that type of sadness and emotion before. There was something different about it, something I can't explain.

It's amazing how certain people can touch you heart and your life so profoundly. What they percieve as a simple action or gesture on their part can mean the world to you. There are several individuals who fall into that category and unforunately they will never know just how truly grateful I am to God for bringing them into my life.

'I can't imagine my life without you and I don't want to imagine my life without you'

'Today I saw myself thru your eyes, and I'm sorry'

'There are no goodbye's between us'

'It's thing like this that bring me closer to you'

'Huzzie!' (Huma and Muzzy stuffed animal)

'You look like a princess'

'You are too good for me, you've always been too good for me'

+ H.U.M.A. @ 3:13 PM