Sitting in Nik's room during the Bramomo housewarming party. It has been a nice night with great company and amazing food. I'm going to miss get togethers. They are so chill and relaxing. Spent all day yesterday helping Cristina pack (the girl has more stuff than anyone I know) and then we went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory and saw Mean Girls w/ her. Horrible movie. Lindsay Lowhan sux. Afterwards, I stopped by Muz's place and had a talk. He was really upset that I didn't make any effort to hang out this week after me having mad an effort all school year. He asked why, right before we are about to go our separate ways and never live at the same place again, did I start pulling away from people. I have to admit that I have been doing that w/ everyone. It's shameful but unfortunately it is my way of dealing (or NOT dealing) with things. I run away because I am too afraid to let myself deal with reality,..I know that if I really sit down and allow myself to come to terms with the reality that my life here at Tufts is over, then I will start crying and be really upset. I refuse to go down like that. Maybe Im stubborn, or maybe Im a wuss but this has always been the way Ive handled situations.

Hmmm,...Im going to miss Muz a lot, more than I care to admit. We have been very close friends since freshman year. I have ALWAYS been able to count on him for anything and everything. He has opened up to me time and time again and allowed me to see sides of him that other people have yet to see. I know when it hits me, itll hit really hard.

Have been working on a few projects but unforunately some things arent working out the way I had planned. Bleh.

Im starting to get excited about going to Pakistan. Im looking foreward to seeing my cousins and being a part of the wedding. I need to leave the US. I just need a whole new change of scene. Sometiems I really miss Pakistan and my life there. It is madd chil. Drama, but on a totally different level. Here, I find myself getting SOO pissed/upset almost on a daily basis.

Ive been eating so much lately. Its gross. Man, I swear I am going to gain 10 pounds JUST IN TIME for Pakistan. Im sure my family will be thrilled.

Ive spent most of the week keeping to myself. I dont know why but I really just want to be alone and do nothing but at the same time I find myself wanting to be surrounded by people. Why am I the most confused person ever? Its so sad.

Im still not ready to start Med. school. I know my life is going to become so routine. Class, work, work, work, gym, sleep,...Class,........I am so afraid that med school will completely take over my life, so much so that I wont ever have the time to visit my friends.

I have no feeling right now. Im not happy because I cant have what I want, Im not sad because Allah Ka Shukr everything is going well in my life, Im not sad becasue I am not thinking about the reality of the situation. Poop.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:21 PM

Sitting in Halligan at 4am by myself. Have been staying at Cristina's the past few nights but we lost computer connection today and seeing as how there is no tv, heat, or even lights, I decided to come to Halligan to use the computer until I got tired. I really like Cristina's room. It is so relaxing, and artistic.

Yesterday was Muz's bday. We went to Marcello's for dinner b/c Muz loves those Kebobs and also b/c it is a nice restaurant. It was nice all going out at a group. We went to Jillian's afterwards. I wasn't in the mood to shoot pool at all but Muz wanted to so it was all good. I mad a collage for Muz to represent his 4 years at Tufts. I really enjoy making things like care packages, collages, memory books, etc,..for people because I always get really caught up in the project. He seemed to really appreciate it so that made me really happy.

Mad tired. Yesterday was exhausting. I think I slept all of 3 hours between 3am-1pm but I don't mind. It was so nice just being there in Cristinas room. I felt a bit weird because it was very unfamiliar to me but it was really stimulating. I felt so relaxed and at ease. There was no where else I would have rather been. One minute I was dozing off and the next I was wide awake. There is something about her room that brings it out in people. You just want to lay there and enjoy the moment. I've been spending a lot of time in her room but last night was the first night I stayed awake during the whole night. I watched the sun come up and heard the rain pouring down hard outside as I lay so comfortably wrapped up in warmth and security in her bed.

My period started EXACTLY the same time Katrina's started in California. How freaky is that? we both joked about being pregnant b/c we were weeks late but last night it finally came. Thank God. This means I wont have it on the long, boring plane ride to Pakistan. Damn, in a weeks time I will be on my way to Pakistan.

Just 4 more days at Tufts. What should I do to make in memorable? Spend it with the people I love.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 3:54 AM

Itz 3am and I am at Cristina's place in her comfy room all by myself,..she is visiting her abuelitos till Friday,.i LOVE her room,..it is sooo artistic and cozy, just a bit cold but Usman lent me his heater which was nice of him.

Went to dinner w/ Saf, Afsan, Muz and Shakir. I swear, those 4 are the MOST sarcastic individuals I have EVER met,...they have a comment/opinion for EVERYTHING and just throw it out there which gets the rest of them all worked up and on the defensive,..it is a vicious cycle but somewhat amuzing all the same. Afterwards, the crew went bowling 'n' Usman kicked some serious ass and did some smack talking at the same time. Those boys love to talk smack.

Napped at Diah's yesterday after moving out the of the MU. It's so surreal, I've graduated and I don't live here anymore,..I'm just a guest now. Everyone came over to D's for some food Muz cooked then the girls, Muz and I just chilled which was nice. Their place is really cozy. Spent the rest of the evening until 530am w/ Katrina bc I had to drop her off to Logan. We went to Chinatown for food and bubble tea. I jammed my straw too hard into the plastic sealed top of the boba tea and the entire cup cracked causing the drink to fly out all over me,...why I am not surprised. Katrina and Umbie convinced me to call a friend and make sure things were 'cool' with us. I cant stand to not be on good terms with certain people, especially this late in the game,.. :: sigh :: I'm so restless and unsatified, I want something but what? I am not happy and I feel that I dont belong but Im afraid to leave this place bc when I do, EVERYTHING will be different.

I can't believe I will be in Pakistan in a week and a half. Time to start dieting again.

How come I don't learn my lesson?
Why am I so hung up on certain things that I become almost obsessive?
How come I can't just accept myself the way I am?
Why cant a perfect moment just freeze in time?
How come I cant have what it is that Ive wanted for so long now?
Why do I not have faith in certain aspects of my life even thou I am so passionate about them?
How come I refuse to step outside the bubble that I have created?
Why do I put myself in certain situations that are so amazing and that I enjoy so much, knowing full well its not the best thing to do?
How come I cant just accept things the way they are,...I need answers and I need reassurance?
Why have I become such an emotional individual, so much so that a certain thought can enter my mind and send me into tears?
How come I care so much what people think?
Why do I feel the need to take care of people who dont need me to take care of them?
How come I feel so lost sometimes, that no matter what happens, I feel thrown off guard?

+ H.U.M.A. @ 3:03 AM

Today was my college graduation. God answered my prayers and it actually didn't rain despite the 200% chance of rain forecast. My family, shireen aunty's family and shafaq aunty's family all came Saturday nite. It was really nice having my family here to celebrate with me even thou I'm not really a fan of all that attention,..oh well. Saturday night we all went to Den's cafe (thai) and Marche's (dessert) for dinner w/ all of them plus Amir,Usman,D,Dewi and Nik. It was really great having my family AND friends together,..everyone seemed so comfortable interacting with eachother and that made me feel really good (despite me pmsing and feeling kinda sad/depressed). Everything went smoothly and everyone seemed to enjoy the night thou I really missed having Muz there,..chalo kher, it was unavoidable seeing as how his family was also here (and in the SAME hotel and on the SAME floor). I swear, they stick all the brownies together so that they can keep an eye on us.
Today was nice. I didn't sleep much last nite (surprise freaking surprise) and I got up at 745ish to be on the Quad by 845ish. I sat w/ Cristina and co. for the first part of commencement. Then there was a break during which A LOT LOT LOT of pictures were taken and we had lunch. I really appreciate that my friends came to graduation. I am sooo blessed to have such a solid group of friends at Tufts =*)
For the second part of commencement, I sat w/ Alana and my girl Katrina. Katrina has been the MOST important person to me at Tufts,...always been there for me w/o fail, giving willingly of herself and her time,..I love her so much.
To be honest, Im really disappointed I didn't get to see my Hill girls. I think seeing them might have made me a lot more emotional. I'm so glad I didn't cry or anything. It totally hasn't hit me yet, but it will, and when it does, I'm going to go down hard.
I got a really pretty-so-not-a-huma-colored dress for graduation. I really love it. Hmmm, maybe I'll start wearing bright colors,..then again maybe not. I put up my graduation pics,..they are ok, kinda disappointed that they weren't better but that's pretty much my fault so I have no one to blame but myself.
Straight up, some people give me such a hard time sometimes,..what's the deal w/ that? The weird thing is, it is people in my life that I am pretty close to so it just doesn't make sense.
I'm so tired but severly restless which makes for a tricky situation. On top of that, I haven't been able to sleep well at all for what seems like weeks =(
I think that for the past few weeks I'm been really off. I am always tense and restless, seriously sensitive and defensive, crazy emotional and inconsistent. I KNOW that all this is due to the fact that I am having difficulty dealing with the present situation.
What's making it even MORE upsetting, however, is that I am coming to realize that I might have been reading certain people/things incorrectly all along. That realization ESPecIALLy this late in the same is really a rough slap in the face.
My room at the MU is so empty and lonely. No tv, computer, ac, pillows, table, NOTHING. Just crap and clothes all over the place and I have to be moved out by tomorrow afternoon. BLEH!
I'm so tired of pmsing,..my cycle is soo off for some reason and I haven't gotten it yet (neither has Kat and we are BOTH pmsing like what). We keep joking that we must both have become inpregnated by our imaginary boyfriends who sneak into our rooms at night.
Jesse picked Jessica B instead of Tara,...kinda knew that but it was still an exciting conclusion.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 2:35 AM

Woke up at 10 am this morning,..my eyes just opened automatically but they never really closed last nite in the first place. I couldn't sleep last nite at all. I am so restless and feel so uneasy,..part of it is the accutane, part of it is serious pms and part is shear depression,...whatever it is, I am such an emotional rollercoaster these days. Im not handling this well. I am a stong person so what the HELL is wrong with me? Im not ready to move on and leave everything and everyone here. I dont want my senior friends and I to go our separate ways. It all happened way too fast for comfort and Im feeling really overwhelmed. I emotionally and physically want to hold on but I feel it slipping away every night that I am here, like last night. I came home and started crying, why I don't know. This is freaking pathetic. I CAN control my emotions and I have always been able to handle the natural progression of life, hell, I even tend to embrace changes, but this time, somehow its different. I am so comfortable with this place, I feel like Im really starting to find myself and establish myself, Im satisfied with my interactions with people and I love Tufts and Boston. Im sitting in my room looking around at everything I need to pack today and it is making it even more upsetting for me

Why have I developed such strong feelings? That was NOT part of the game plan, and I am one person who tries her hardest to stick to a plan for life. Am I afraid of change or do I not like the uncertainity and lack of control that comes with change? Sometimes I feel so helpless, like a slave to my emotions. I try so hard to convince myself otherwise but in the end, I cant deny how I feel...

Went to CPK last night, the group treated Muz and I (which made it even more saddening)..I also got my ipod which I really want to learn to use b/c my computer is going on Sunday, along w/ almost everything in my room,...

Graduation in 2 days, family coming tomorrow. Im such a mess. I really need to be by myself today, I dont think I can handle interacting/socializing today........

+ H.U.M.A. @ 2:45 PM

Drove down to Long Island Saturday night/early Sunday morning for Nadias graduation. I got lost and it took me 5 hours unfortunately. Luckily, Usman was still up studying for the qualifiers so he helped me find the right route. I swear he is like a walking roadmap 24/7, convenient for people like me. Her graduation was nice. A lot of people were there and then we drove to Queens for desi khana (as always). I was soooooo tired but I managed to stay awake on my drive home.

Last night was the senior gala,..I had my reservations about going but ultimately decided to go (and wear the dress instead of the lengha). Im glad I went. Its not that it was so much fun or anything but more that it was really nice to see people Ive met over the 4 years. Also, the Plaza was BEAUTIFUL. Everyone was dancing but I didnt b/c it is not really my thing, to dance in public like that. People were getting piss drunk by the end of the night and along the same lines, very feisty. I uploaded my pictures from the Gala then deleted them off my camera. Unforunately, I didnt realize that I had only uploaded half the pictures so I lost half my pics =(.

So, whats the deal w/ moment of weaknesses? Man, so random and out of the blue. Its like, at one moment things are one way, and suddenly everything changes. Moderation is the key…unfortunately sometimes I lose the key.

Usman and Nawaf had the first part of their qualifiers today. Apparently it was ok but long and more time was needed (second hand info.)

Went to lunch w/ ceci, iris and noris. Without fail, Cecilia manages to piss me off EVERYTIME I interact w/ her. She is so cold and obnoxious. She has this way about her that makes people not want to be around her. She has no patience and snubs people all the time. However, rather than call her out today, I bit my tongue and stayed quiet.


Unaza's IM:

Hey huma...I saw someones picture of you from the gala and you looked so beautiful!...k..CONGRATS on graduating...and you know im obnoxious litttle freshmen but you know everything is outta love! im gonna miss ya! good luck in the future...(med school) take care and thanks for everything and being msa rolemodel..love unaza

awww ::teartear:: how sweet

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:45 PM

The blogger format changed, interesting.

So,..I'm FINALLY DONE!!! My undergraduate/college career is officially over,..it's been a long, tough journey but alhumdulillah, everything turned out for the best. I have truly loved my time at Tufts,..it's so sad that in a weeks time, I will graduate. Sometimes when I am alone late at night I start thinking about how it's the end and I get pretty sad. I'm not ready to let go but at the same time, I'm so ready to move on.

Nawaf and Usman have their qualifiers on Tuesday and Wednesday,..these boys have been working hardcore, day and night. I pray to God they pass. Diah and Amir also have their qualifiers coming up but my girl D got an extension and Amir's qualifiers is a bit more lax. I've been praying the that 4 of them pass their qualifiers,..I hope my prayers are answered.

I've been spending a lot of time w/ Muz and a lot of time w/ Nik. I'm going to miss Nik a lot,...she's like a sister to me,..we've spent the last 2 years living in the same house and we have become really close. As for Muz, since freshman year we have been close friends. He is such an amazing and genuine person and cares so much about me,..much more than I deserve. We had a conversation the other night about how I really said some messed up things last semester that really REALLY hurt him and I feel so guilty about that. Regardless of what he thinks, I didn't mean what I said,..I was just hurt so I was trying to hurt him back,.how terrible.

Senior week begins today. I was actually looking foreward to going on a cruise tomorrow night (how romantic), but unforunately b/c Nadia's graduation is first thing Sunday morning in NY, I would totally exhaust myself if I tried to fit everything in,.oh well,..Inshallah I'll take a nice evening cruise sometime around Boston.

Katrina, Trimi, Simran, Elaine and I are OBSESSED w/ the Bachelor on Wednesday nights. It is so sad but we won't miss it for anything. It's so pathetic how trifling, powerful and bitchy woman can become,...but at the same time,..I'm kinda impressed ;)

Sunny left today,..I'm gunna miss him..he's a really nice guy who just needs to have more faith in himself and let people really get to know the REAL Sunny.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 7:37 PM

At the MU/MSA BBQ. There are a lot of people here (mostly guys) and everyone keeps asking me either 1) why I'm crying or 2) they tell me that my eyes are all red,..hmmm,..like I don't already know that. It's a beautiful day but the sun is really hurting my eyes so I'm sticking to the shade/inside. Muz did a great job pulling this off (w/ the help of Nik). I feel really bad that I was unable to help him, w/ my project due today and me having to go to the hospital last minute,..he made me feel so bad when I went to explain to him that I wouldn't be able to take him grocery shopping after Jumma,...I felt like crying b/c this whole thing is just so frustrating,..I pray that my eyes get better.

Hana is here w/ Jonah,..i just said hi to them and that's it,..she's all about herself and her relationship so I'm not trying to get in the way of that at all.

Had the weirdest most random conversation about pregnancy/labor w/ Amir and Usman last night when I went to pick up the FRIENDS tape and then I came home to watch it and the opening scene was a woman in labor,..ironic.

(10 hours later) 4 a.m

Went to Geordi's House w/ Muz for a dinner party type deal for Geordi's b-day,..it was nice seeing some hill hall people. Then went to see Van Helsing. Wasn't as good as I had hoped for but not bad

Muz and I talked about the whole deal. He apologized for calling me out and said he was just stressed but he also said that sometimes he gets frustrated when we make plans and the last minute I cancel on him. He says that I've done that several times over the past 4 years,..if that's the case then I am really disappointed in myself.

New MSA executive board:
President: Zaid Al-hinai
VP: Jibran Kassamali
Secretary: Rafeya Khan
Treasurer: Nik Yaaziz
PR: Unaza Khan and Jamil Ludd
Webmaster: Faysal Mohamed

I'm really happy w/ the board b/c it is SUCH a diverse group,..inshallah these individuals will do a great job next year and each offer their own unique perspective and contibution to MSA

+ H.U.M.A. @ 7:06 AM

Its been only a few days since I last wrote but I feel like so much has happened,..first off, the seniors never ended up camping out over night for senior week tix. It was raining and the weather was gross so right after we all set up camp on the Halligan lawn, the cops announced that we would get our tix right then so there was like a herd of seniors running to line up,..I was w/ raja, Scottie, many, ahmed, ben, trimi, Elaine, and kat and we got great tix so that was good  If it wasnt gross weather, I would have loved to camp out,.oh well.

My eyes are all messed up again,..abu thinks its allergies but w/e it is, its making it really hard to focus on the tiny details of my symmetry project. I really hope to finish it tonight but we will see. Its due Friday and I HATE doing things the day b4,..

While I was working at the Brew this past Sunday, I decided to write my friend a lengthy email letting them know how I felt about what they had said, and what my thoughts were about the situation as a whole,…It felt really good to get it all out like that,..I didnt hold back at all b/c at this point, there is no need to hold back,..I have as much to lose as I have to gain the only question is, which one will it be?

Went meat shopping w/ Nik and Usman yesterday then Nik cooked for us which was really cool of her esp. b/c I was craving chicken,..

Diahs qualifier got postponed for a while and I really glad for her,..my girl was seriously stressed out so atleast now she has more time to work on it.

I was supposed to go home this weekend cuz I need to see Dr. Brodkin but b/c of the MSA BBQ and other things, I dont think I’m going to go,.,..I need to get my lengha somehow thou,.hmmm

Had a really really interesting convo. w/ Muz last night about the most outwardly random topic. He actually gave me some things to think about.

I got my Tufts 2004 ring,..its really simple just like I wanted. Its pretty symbolic of my college years and whenever I look at it, I will remember those things most important to me…


I hate that it bothers me,...but what I hate more is that I show that it bothers me,..It is a good thing but yet I can't help but focus on the uhoh aspect of it all,...I need to just constantly tell myself that these are all just tests,..and if one of these tests are failed, then there is a reason for that and it is better to know then not to know,..I understand that but I cant help accepting it as being that cut and dry,..Im just not THAT practical of a person when it comes to matters of the heart,...

Sometimes things are soo good that its almost surreal and other times its just, eh. Things are never bad (Allah Ka Shukr) but unless things are really good, I cant help feeling that things are bad,...confusing but true.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 9:03 PM

Haven't written in a few days,...

Spent all of Wednesday and Thursday working on the symmetry project,..80% done so I'm relieved about that.

Went for a drive on Friday b/c it was such a beautiful (but hot) day and I was getting really depressed being couped up in my room day after day. Found a beautiful dress for Gala,..It looks like a princess dress only thing is it is rather 'fitted' around my chest around so when I exhale I feel my chest is going to burst outta the dress,...oh well,..not even sure if I'm going to go to Gala,..today was Spring Fling,..love the Roots but didn't go,..I dunno,..am I not a typical college senior? I don't like being in those settings,..w/ wasted, horny, loud people,...as for Gala,..dances, bars, clubs,...none of that is my thing,..I have 48 hrs to decide if I will go,...hmmm

Today nik, zaid, amir and I went to the Boston Council elections to support Usman for the Council chair even thou he didn't need our support,..everyone loves him and rightfully so,..he is really hard working and determined and inshallah he will be a very valuable asset to the board in the fall. I think they are very fortunate to have him on the board.

Went to Galleria w/ Nik and roamed around for a bit trying to wear in my sexy, stilleto black boots,..then went for a short walk w/ amir, usman and nik around MIT followed by dinner at Falafel House (really not so fond of the place) and finally onto bowling,..Muz bet me the he could beat me 10 games in a row,..we only got to play 3 tonight but he destroyed me,.oh well...NEXT TIME! Muz has this thing where he is trying to beat Usman,..and Usman is all talking smack and playing it cool,..Usman didn't even try that hard and still managed to bowl a better game than everyone else,..man,...those guys are way toooo cocky for their own good,..all of them,..except maybe Zaid,..Zaid is the man.

I was kinda hurt by what a friend said to me last night on the phone,..I know they totally meant what they said b/c they have often said the same thing in the past however the way they said it really hurt,..I can't help being the way I am,...when someone is an important person in my life,..I can't help really REALLY caring about them, wanting to be there for them and help them out in any way I can and wanting to, in a way, almost take care of them,...but when they do/say things like that it makes me feel hurt like not only do they not appreciate the sincerity of what I'm doing, but they are taking for granted the fact that they actually have someone who cares so dearly for them,...hmmm

When we got home from bowling,..Sunny walked by w/ 2 of his guy friends, handed me a flower and said, 'this is for you now I'm going home' and went home,...lol,..It was kinda funny actually b/c I think he was drunk or something.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 4:26 AM