Spent the greater part of the afternoon trying to finalize the food arrangements for the conference this Saturday. Had a quick lunch in the mall w/ Mr. Khan and Mr. Almoayed, followed by a visit to Shwarma King. Only the cute guy was there and he was being so attentive. He insisted on making me lunch while I waited for his manager and I kept refusing then he made me a drink and sat w/ me at a table for a while. We just talked (and I totally forgot to ask his name!) He is really kinda shy but DAMN is he fine =) He said that I haven't been to SK in a while and he asked if I've been going to Boston Shwarma instead (uhm),..newayz,..so inshallah all the food stuff will work out for the conference (as long as the sketchball, Harjinder, from Aladdin's, pulls thru and gets Halal meat.

Azlan wants to come to the NE Conf. and spend the weekend in Boston b/c he has never been here,...he's been asking if I would be bz or if I could show him around,..hmmm,....

Omar (cousin from Yale Med) is coming to the conference,..yay :)

I don't think my ___ has ever been like this b4,..I don't know if it's the accutane or what but it's pretty intense.

Had a long talk w/ Sunny last night,.straightened some things out but I assured him that I would keep the convo. btwn us and that is what I tend to do

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:30 PM

It's 5am on Sunday morning and I am still very much awake,..had a nice lil goof around session w/ a close friend of mine,..sometimes it's really nice to just talk about nothing except b/s stuff w/ friends,..I've learned that life is too short to always take everything so seriously,..

I think that there is still a lot to learn about certain people in my life but I honestly believe that I do understand some of them on a pretty significant level,..more than they give me credit for at times,..

Helped D and D move into their new place yesterday, the meeting for NE conf. at Harvard and dinner at Penang w/ Mr. Khan and Miss. Yaaziz then a nite at Jillian's,..Shaq and I were undefeated =)

Went home this week,.celebrated my parent's 26th anniversary,..Allah Ka Shukr they are still going strong =),..Brought my mom a huge arrangement of flowers on my drive down to Jerzey on Monday,..she was so taken aback b/c 1) I wasn't supposed to go home till Tuesday and 2) the bouquet of flowers was so huge that she couldn't even hold it and since she absolutely loves flowers, she was very touched by the gesture.

Went to the UMDNJ-SOM Welcome ceremony on Thursday,.I had a great time meeting new people and listening to the Dean and professor's speak,...it just felt so right being there in that environment w/ everyone so eager and excited,.I spoke to a lot of upperclassman who absolutely love the being there,..I'm excited to get my own apartment and start my new life,..but we will see what happens

I mentioned something to a friend yesterday and I'm surprised they followed thru and acted upon my request,..these lil things do mean more to me than I might always say,..

Sometimes I think that I am a bad person,..not in the cruel way but that I am not as caring as people think I am or as much as I should be,..it's kind of upsetting b/c sometimes people can say things to you casually not realizing how much what they said sticks w/ you,...am I so one-sided in my thoughts/opinions about relationships? Could I/can I avoid hurting certain people in my life who are very important to me? Can I be more accomodating to others? I've never thought I was flawless,..NO WHERE even close to that but I have always tried to accomodate others and be as helpful and sincere as I can be,..I really want others to be happy even if it means jeopardizing something for myself,..but I wonder,.despite this, have I failed to be a genuinely good, caring person to the people I love and care for?

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:27 AM

'In life we are put through trials; some easy, some difficult. What will distinguish us will be our reactions to these ups and downs in life. When facing great adversity some of us buckle and collapse not knowing quite well how to get back up. That is when faith steps in. Your conviction, as you have developed it, is the essential element in dealing with these types of situations. Having a relationship with the Almighty will, insha'Allah, provide you with the strength to endure these struggles in life. Nevertheless, it is understandable the one goes through times when they feel alone and nowhere to turn to. It feels as if you seek God but God won't reply. It is an empty feeling and sometimes is the result of guilty feelings. One begins to ask, "What did I do?" Or they question their strength of faith. These are just two examples of many things the mind begins create. It is dangerous to place some sort of blame upon oneself for events that are not in ones control.

Know that God hears those who call upon Him. Then, you need to rid yourself of guilty feelings. Keep in mind not all hardships are some sort of punishment for wrongs committed. Actually, a better attitude, especially if you know that you are a good person, would be to realize these trying times could be a blessing. Indeed, when one goes through a low point in life they come out of it strengthened, refreshed and more prepared with what life has to throw at him. These hard times may be a blessing in disguise, for the reason that I stated and consider that God maybe protecting you and your loved ones. Some of these things are hard to appreciate when one is in pain, however, when a person takes the time to think deeply of his condition he many a times will come to the realization of the wonderfulness of life.

I can assure you God hears your prayers, however, just because you request something of God does not mean you will get it because God knows far more than you what is good. You are not being ignored you are being looked after. Your prayers do not go in vain, rather, I recommend you have patience and strengthen your faith. Believe that God will do the best for you; and really the result, if you ask God, will be what is best. Remember, praying for something will not make it magically happen. You too have to put some effort into getting what you want done.

God is by your side and you have to know this. If you ask God for something and you do not receive this does not mean He hasn't heard or does not want to grant you your request. Rather, it is His Wisdom that decides what to grant. In times of struggle we lose focus of the big picture and become consumed by the little ones around us. If we can maintain the focus on overall scheme of life we will begin to understand and better deal with the smaller ones'-Ronnie Hassan (03/24/2004)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:26 AM

'Are you ready?

You call me on the phone
I act like nothings going on
We're drivng in my car
I pretend that you don't turn me on
You sexy thing, yeah you know it
You move around now you show it

I'm not in love
It's just a faze that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
But don't go running away

It's almost 3am
I'm hoping that you don't let go
You're moving in so close
I'm trying not to lose control
You sexy thing, yeah you know it
You move around now you show it

I'm not in love
It's just a faze that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
Don't go running away
Oh i'm not in love
I try to tell myself all the time
I just can't help how i feel tonight
So don't go running away'~Enrique :)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 2:53 AM

My sister came this week,..it was nice having her around. She enjoyed herself and said she liked getting to know my friends on a more personal level.

Spring Break has officially begun. What does that mean? I guess it's what one makes of it,.nothing more nothing less.

So a close friend of mine has been really pissy lately and I've tried talking to her about it b/c I didn't want her to make hasty, irrational decisions while she was not in her usual good, cheery mood so I tried to approach her a few times and she got hella defensive and snappy so I decided just to back off,..I understand that sometimes when people are in a bad mood it is better to just let them be rather than try to talk to them or w/e,..newayz

Things are still pretty good which I'm really greatful for,..It does wonders for me when I'm at peace w/ myself w/ respect to certain aspects of my life,..

The Hashimi sisters invited me and my sister out for dinner b/c they wanted to meet my sister,..there are 5 of them,.completely different but really nice and unique. My sister thought the same thing about them. We talked about Pakistan (lahore, islamabad, karachi) places we've visited there and things we've done,..it was nice esp. for my sister b/c she hasn't been there in years.

Diah and Dewi are moving to a new apartment close to Tufts. I'm really glad b/c Diah has been wanting to move closer for quite some time.

Only 2 months left till graduation,..then it's onto a whole new chapter in my life,..I really developed close attachments w/ some people at Tufts and I will cherish my friendships with them,..D and I in particular have become pretty close over the past year, year and a half,..she's a amazing friend,.very genuine (and fiesty =),..we always have amazing conversations and the best time whenever we are together,..Living w/ Nik for almost 2 years, she has become like a sister to me,..Katrina is my best friend at Tufts,..I don't know what I would do w/o her,..well,.the list goes on but this is saddening me so I think i'll stop and go back to watching The Beach (Thailand islands ::sigh::)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 10:47 PM

Went to dinner and to shoot pool at Jillian's w/ Amir, Usman 'n' Shaq,..it was a lot of fun,.I was actually on point several times during the night which was a FIRST for me so that was really exciting =),..

Had a very 'interesting' convo. w/ a friend last night,..yea,..uhm,.. hmmm,...I don't know why I tell things to certain people that I have no intention of sharing but somehow people can get things outta me,..whether it be thru mental manipulation and/or physical manipulation,..I know I shouldn't be but I do feel kinda embarassed, b/c I know they know,..bleh!

My baby girl is =( for some reason,..I hate to see her like that b/c I love her sooo much and I want her to be happy,..when she smiles, it makes me smile 'cuz she is freakin' adorable. I hope she comes to me for comfort so I can be there for her as she has always been there for me.

Sahar Hashmi has been emailing/calling me quite frequently recently,..I really like her,.she is like an older sister/peer at the same time,..

Got my digital camera back last night,.good as new! Yay =)

If your looking for me,..I'm on Cloud 9 :)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 5:21 PM

Went to Carmichael today w/ Nik after a really long time,..today was a special day known as 'Under the Boardwalk Lunch' There was a cotton candy maker and some guy making it for everyone, popcorn makers, salt water taffy (yum!), corndogs, churros,..everything,....I ate to my hearts content and loved every minute of it,.afterwards,.suprisingly I didn't feel as guilty as I thought I would have,..I guess that conversation I had w/ a friend late Tuesday night really stuck w/ me,..I shouldn't feel bad if every so often I indulge in something that I really enjoy,..

Working almost 30 hrs total at the Brew this week,..here now infact but I don't mind 'cuz I need the $$$.

'Can't nobody hold me down,..I've got to keep on movin' =)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:29 PM

Played my first intramural soccer game tonight,.it was soooo much fun thou I was a bit nervous prior to the game b/c I hadn't played in years, let alone with guys,..I got checked a few times but I did my fair share of checking so it was all good =)

Sunny came over tonight and we watched Head of State,.,.yea,...crappy movie but it sparked some interesting discussions.

Katrina's b-day yesterday and my Umbie's b-day on Tuesday =),..

Things are REALLY good these days,..so all smiles here :)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 5:40 AM

Sonny to me this morning:

Icaci: damn you looked fine yesterday.
eCsTaSyHM: yea?
Icaci: haha yea
eCsTaSyHM: is that implying that i dont always?
Icaci: no its just that yesterday was extra special
eCsTaSyHM: lol,.I was j/k

It's funny how many people complimented me last night and today b/c I wore the sari. It actually took some getting used to but I really liked it. It made me feel very 'cultured' and since it was my first time, it was kind of exciting.

I'm really annoyed that there were so many technical failures last night. Between the boom lights, the lighting cues off and the fog off, everything was a mess and that sux b/c my friends all came yesterday =(. I really appreciate that soooo many of my friends came to see the show last night,...it shows how genuine my friends are.

I really needed that. I've had a lot of questions and concerns lately that have def. been affecting my attitude towards things but I feel a lot better. It's very hard for me to open up and share what is really on my mind b/c I'm generally a closed person. Also, how people interpret my actions and words are also always a concern of mine. Nonetheless, I think flat out saying what wz on my mind was something that I really needed to do b/c the whole sit. was headed for the rocks and I didn't want that happening. I feel relieved not so much for the response but more for opening up. I've tried to think about things from other people perspectives but as of late I've been trying to do so more often. I think that that is a crucial element to ANY type of friendship/relationship.

D is in San Fran and Amir is going to Chicago,..how exciting,...I think I'm going to live vicariously thru them b/c I have no life and choose to stay at Tufts 24/7 even though I could take little trips here and there if I really wanted to,..

+ H.U.M.A. @ 3:11 PM

'I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough'

+ H.U.M.A. @ 6:59 AM

Something isnt right. My gut instinct tells me that there is some truth lacking in all this. The problem is, Im not sure what is going on or the extent of the situation. I feel that Ive made genuine efforts to make this happen and up until recently, Ive felt that this could all become a reality. Now I dont know anymore. My mind tells me one thing but my heart is telling me another,..so what do I trust?

Its not an issue of faith, or lack of trust. Its something more profound than that. When you feel like you are being kept in the dark, its upsetting but more than that it hurts. Its very VERY hard for me to trust people. The minute I do and allow myself to become vulnerable, I get hurt.

Im so confused and upset about all this but there is nothing I can do about it. I pray that God helps me see the situation for what is it worth, b/c whether or not I get hurt in the process, I would rather know than be left speculating and questioning.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:31 PM