Been soooo bz lately it's crazy,..Went to Jerzey Wednesday to Friday for 2 doctor's appts. Been on accutane for a lil over a week,..so far so good except my skin is a little dry but I'm not complaining,..

The fashion show is taking up soooo much of my time b/c we are rolling into the final few days. I hope everything turns out smoothly. It's funny how some people can become such pricks when they don't get what they want.

Went to see Passions of the Christ on Friday,..Intense but pretty good thou it has sparked my interest to learn how Islam explains the whole situation,..Nik is looking into that so hopefully she can fill me in.

Went to Marcello's on Newbury last nite w/ Diah, Nik, Usman, Amir, Sahar and Maliha Hashimi, Jack and Usman's friend Noy. Noy is a funny character,..very outspoken and friendly. Maliha is a cutie. VERYVERY energetic, talkative and lively,..her sister Sahar is so sweet,.very soft spoken, and friendly,..something about her is so genuine and warm,..I really wish I had gotten to know her a long time ago.

What else,..Umbar isn't doing so hot in college,..my baby is getting stressed and not working to her potential,...she is one of the smartest girls I've ever met so I know she is not satisfied w/ how she has been performing as of late,.Inshallah she will get back on track and regain some confidence in her abilities.

Omar called me last night at 4 am. He is in Jerzey this weekend and he was in his room and he found a letter I had written to hime 4 years ago! It was the night a large group of desi's were chillin' at his place. I remember going to his room and writing him a note and he actually still has it!!! Infact, he also told me that he has kept EVERYTHING relating to our friendship ie: ticket stubs, IM convos, etc,..He's such a great guy,..so genuine and caring. He is overprotective of me in this really sweet big-brother way.

Things have been pretty stable in terms of other things in my life. Occasional ups and downs but on the whole,.I'm happy where things are. At this point in my life, I can't ask for more or expect it,.and honestly speaking,..I like this pace,..it is comfortable, and it allows me time to appreciate and understand things as they occur.

'Ap jaise koy meri zindagi mein aye'

+ H.U.M.A. @ 9:43 PM

So last night Eunice told me that a high school friend, Masha Dexter, passed away on Tuesday night from Cancer. I can't even comprehend how someone so young, intelligent and driven could pass away. It's all so surreal. Her funeral is tomorrow,..I'm still debating whether or not to attend. We used to be really close in middle school and for the first 2 years of HS but then she started isolating herself from everything and everyone.

It makes you really stop and realize just how forunate we all are and how crucial it is that we do not take what we have for granted b/c in an instant, someone or something very dear to us could be gone,...

+ H.U.M.A. @ 1:21 PM

I'm sick (Muz's fault: he drank from MY cup when he was sick, that's just wrong) Having trouble sleeping, sound like a guy, and sniffling like crazy but aside from that,..I'm a happy camper =)

My buddy has been acting surprisingly warm and attentive lately,...I probably shouldn't junx myself by thinking about it so I'll just ride it for as long as I can =)

TASA fashion show is taking up soo much of my time but I really REALLY enjoy it,.tonight is the first night of rehearsal so I'm a lil worried but excited,.Inshallah it will be a huge success.

Yesterday was Islamic New Year's so that means a clean, unmarked book,...a Tabula Rasa, if you will,..I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY going to try to fill my book with as many postive marks and avoid getting negative tabs,..I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep everynight feeling whole and complete, free of regrets. I want to everything and anything I do to be w/ the intentions of pleasing Allah (swt),..God give me the will-power to stick to these goals of mine and help me make them a reality.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 8:00 PM

It's been such a long time since I've enjoyed a late night convo. w/ anyone that much. I didn't think they still had it in them but I was definitely pleasantly surprised,....still smiling/laughing from it =)

I love how they'd start defending themself and then would come back w/ an attack on me,..don't people know not to mess w/ me? =P

+ H.U.M.A. @ 6:50 AM

Ugh,..ate SOO much today,...but it was good =)

Went to the mall today w/ Nik 'n Muz. It was hilarious b/c Muz and Nik kept pointing out guys that were 'checking me out' or 'totally just looked you up and down.' Hahaha,..Muz was getting annoyed and Nik was making funny comments like, 'I should just stand in the corner and videotape how many guys check you out' For some reason, this time I actually didn't get disgusted by it 'cuz it was actually kinda flattering 'cuz the guys were really cute =)

I dunno why it is so hard for me to take a compliment,.In response to a nice comment, especially from a male, I usually say 'ugh' or roll my eyes,..It's not that I don't appreciate them it's just that I don't think that I deserve them,...which leads me to this book I started reading yesterday, 'Why Men Love Bitches.' The book talks about loving yourself and not putting yourself down. The problem is not that I HATE myself, it's that I don't love myself,...is that wrong? I am COMPLETELY greatful to Allah (SWT) for all that he has blessed me with. I am so fortunate and lucky it's just that I can't help feeling the way I do about myself. I'll dress up and people will say the nicest things and then I'll look at myself in the mirror and wonder why they would say such a thing,...I am working on improving my faith in myself but I feel that I really have come a long way and that is w/o a doubt, thanks to God.

Had dinner last night at Marche's w/ Maliha from Harvard, this guy and his cousin from MIT, Usman and Amir and then I had a much needed talk w/ Usman to clear some things up so I felt a lot more relieved after that,..all in all a good night.

I'm really excited but a little nervous/stressed about the TASA fashion show,.it's gunna be sooo hot (inshallah),..we have professional photographers, and a makeup and professional hair crew coming BOTH nights,..yay =)

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:52 PM

Valentine's Day today =)

I luv Valentine's not b/c of the actual day, but b/c of what it represents,..a day to appreciate and show the ones you luv how much they truly mean to you,...

I have the most amazing guy friends,...certain guys never fail to do something sweet for V-day,..whether it be sending a card, writing a poem, showing up at my door w/ roses,...and this year was no different except there was one person in particular who made this day very special,..I was/am honestly surprised and sincerely taken aback by his actions today,..the roses, card and cake were so thoughtful and unexpected but meant more to me than he will ever know, I don't know how and when this stuff got here but coming home and finding it all waiting for me was so sweet...it's unexpected gestures like these that really touch my heart,..so to you,..thank you =)

and as for,......hmmm,...something honestly doesnt feel right about this whole situation,...I think I'm starting to realize things for what they are worth and while the truth/reality hurts,..I'd rather see all this for what it is,..rather than for what it was,....

+ H.U.M.A. @ 11:00 PM

I came home today to find and amazingly thoughtful and sweet IM from Kyoko,...We were soo close and then she left me for Japan =(

I don't want to forget what her message said so I'm going to put it in my blogger: 'Huma, I'm leaving this IM 'cause I'm really concerned.:'(. I checked ur web-site today and knowing that you're feeling really depressed and lonely .. makes me feel the same way. I wish I can listen to your fears and comfort u. You have no idea, how much I think of u, even though we're miles away. I really hope u're feeling better today. Also I want you to know that there were soooo many times I've broken down out of no where,feeling like everything/everyone was against me,but somehow I managed to get thru. Sometimes I even pulled out the letter you wrote me (the long-angel letter) before I left for japan to cheer myself up. It may take some time but huma,you deserve the very best so I'm sure God will give u strength. inshallah* I never know when u're online.,so I guess I'm gonna leave these messages from time to time.! May you always have a smile on your face and laughter in your heart .. * no rain, no rainbow* lots of luv,Kyoko:-)'

I miss her,...

+ H.U.M.A. @ 7:45 PM

I'm not sure what exactly happened today,..I just lost it,..upon leaving the dentist (after learning that I have to get surgery on my mouth =(,..I just broke down and started crying and unfortunately,..once again Nik had to be around for the whole ordeal,.I broke down into tears 2x's in the past 4 yrs at Tufts and both times were in Nik's presence,..I really appreciate and love Nik,..she didn't make me feel weird or uncomfortable in either case,.and on top of that,..she was really considerate and thoughtful (there was a sweet card and adorable lil bear waiting for me when I came home just now).

It really helped seeing my sister today,...I knew I just needed to get away from here and talk to someone who I could trust and who knew everything about me,..just spending the day w/ here was really nice,..I luv her so much. I think w/o eachother we would both be lost.

I'm disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get to such a pt. where I just broke down into tears,..it's so unlike me but I feel that I've become a lot more emotional and sensitive,..which is both good and bad,...Muz said something to me tonight,...'there is nothing wrong w/ breaking down and crying sometimes, it's normal',..

Today showed me who my genuine friends really are,...

I ask Allah (SWT) for strength to face challenges and obstacles in my life and overcome whatever hardships I come to face,..and I ask to give me the knowledge to help me recognize things for what they are worth.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 4:01 AM

Seriously seriously unhappy,..and on top of that I have a broken tooth (that hurts) and a broken camera,...There is no one I want to talk to and no one who can make me feel better at this point besides myself,..only problem is I'm feeling so down and =*( these days that I don't know what to do,...

I'm tired of feeling threatened by certain people and certain situations, and on top that,..I've become so sensitive and defensive that I literally attack certain people if they do or say something that doesn't rub me the right way.

+ H.U.M.A. @ 4:08 AM

I've been so on edge and upset this week that I've neglected some things and some people that are very important to me and now I feel bad =(

I don't know what the hell is wrong w/ me? I never used to be so sensitive and feel like people were abusing the fact that they knew they could count on me. Lately, I've been really upset w/ the people I consider my friends,..

I want to go,..leave here,..but the problem is I don't know where I wanna go and for how long and if leaving is even the answer,..

I've been really sensitive about a particular person in my life,..these days I can't help but take things seriously b/c thoughts are constantly running thru my head. I over-analyze actions and take words to heart like never before. Maybe it's b/c this phase of my life is coming to an end and I don't know how to deal w/ it,.. I feel like my life keeps on going, but all this is just at a standstill. I'm just really unhappy and I'm not sure what to do anymore,...

+ H.U.M.A. @ 3:46 AM